My Story With Cancer

The waiting

After coming home, I sat on the couch and just stared off into space. I knew I couldn’t handle a phone conversation so I sent texts to update family and friends waiting anxiously for news.

Shock. Tears. Numbness. All of it.

I couldn’t even fully process what had happened. I remember telling people that I didn’t want to google anything or know anything more about lymphoma right then. I couldn’t take any more in. I would cry and then feel numb.

After a couple of days, I started to feel very concerned and panicked about the lymphnodes pressing on my artery. It was my superior vena cava for all the people who would want to know that sort of thing.

Anxiety and panic were gripping my thoughts constantly.

I was terrified that the lymph nodes would swell even more and cut off blood flow. Should I have the risky surgery to cut out those lymph nodes?

During this time I was having episodes where I would struggle to breathe. I remember a certain time that I truly thought this may be the end.

I was on my knees freaking out and weeping. I saw Jesus in a vision very clearly on His knees next to me, with His arm around me. All I could do was cry or say “help”.

Cancer messed up my theology in a good way. Sometimes we think that we need to pray a certain way or worship for Him to meet us. I had these preconceived ideas of how to battle something or how to worship my way out of it. I had “plans” to war and pray my way through it. It came from a good place, but it didn’t help me much when I didn’t have the emotional or physical strength to fight like that.

Would Jesus hear prayers of “Help”? Or “SOS”? Would they be enough? Will He come?

Because friend, that’s all I had to give at that moment. That was it.

I talked to a very wise friend who had walked through a long health battle and she reminded me that Jesus knows our heart. I took great comfort in that!